When you want your child to know that ALL of their emotions are acceptable, but you JUST CAN’T with the crying/screaming… I want to share with you how you can HAVE BOTH - by walking away!
Here’s why you probably haven’t considered or DON’T LIKE the idea of simply walking away when your brain tells you to MAKE THE CRYING STOP/FIX THINGS FOR YOUR CHILD:
You believe it’s mean, it will cause the child to feel abandoned, and/or it communicates their sadness ISN’T ok – all things you are trying to avoid!
If, by walking away, you are WANTING to be mean, and abandon your child, and communicate the sadness isn’t ok then, yes, that IS what is happening >>> BUT YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT.
So, here’s what walking away can actually accomplish when you have the supporting tools and thoughts:
1) MODELING HOLDING BOUNDARIES IN A HEALTHY WAY >>> Mama, if you DON’T LIKE listening to the crying and screaming, that’s a boundary and one that is OK to hold. You simply need to find a way to hold it in a way you feel proud of!
So, here’s what probably would feel good to you when holding this boundary:
>>> Knowing you’ll only walk away if it is safe to leave them alone.
>>> Knowing you will communicate what is happening, and validate them when you leave, using SAY WHAT YOU SEE® and the STRENGTHs tool from Language of Listening® (Something like: “This is SO important to you and you really need to cry and scream about it right now. You know exactly what you need to do to express how you feel! I’m going to give you the space to do that. I’ll come back and check on you in a little while.”)
>>> Knowing that leaving gives YOU space to go tend to your own emotions so you can come back fresh and ready to support your child again. (When your child is upset it may trigger all sorts of difficult thoughts/emotions for you. THESE ARE IMPORTANT MESSAGES. You can tend to your emotions by using SAY WHAT YOU SEE® with yourself)
>>> Knowing if they follow you, you will respond to that as a communication that they need CONNECTION right now. You can still hold your boundary by letting them know you can stay with them if the volume level comes down. “Crying is OK, screaming hurts my ears.”
2) BUILDING THEIR SELF-CONFIDENCE BY COMMUNICATING THAT YOU KNOW THEY ARE CAPABLE OF HANDLING THEIR EMOTIONS (an incredibly important life skill) >>> Crying is merely your child adapting to a situation they DON’T LIKE – and adapting is something we are constantly doing as humans!
Your child does not need you there every time they need to adapt or every time they DON’T LIKE something – if you are always hovering around trying to fix it/get them to stop, it tells them they DO need you every time.
You see, the more they experience themselves as being capable at moving through their emotions, unhindered, and even on their own, the more emotional success they experience. This grows self-confidence and self-belief. And, as noted above, if part of what they know they need is to not be alone, you’ll likely adjust how you are holding your boundary to accommodate that.
Overall, you holding on to the BELIEF they can get what they need to move through their emotions on their own and STILL BE OK (actually MORE than OK) is passing a powerful truth on to them.
Think about it this way >>> When we walk away, leaving our kids at daycare, even when they don’t want to stay, we are communicating: “I know you’re safe here.” “I trust the teachers.” “I know you can handle being away from me for a little while.” “I know I’ll be back for you.”
In this same way, you can communicate confidence in their abilities to move through frustration, sadness, and anger – making those emotions TOTALLY acceptable – by walking away, being available if they need CONNECTION, and checking in later.
Having boundaries around the ways or in what location your child moves through emotion DOES NOT have to invalidate those emotions. Using Language of Listening® tools combined with BELIEF IN THE CHILD’S ABILITIES makes this possible!
Mama, you don’t have to give up your own needs and boundaries to be a “good mom,” and actually what our kids need is for us to model REAL self-care: which is an honoring of our personal needs and boundaries while caring for and loving others.
If you’d love skills for communicating that ALL of your child’s emotions are acceptable – even on the crap days, if you’d love skills for holding boundaries in ways you LOVE, and for honoring YOUR personal Needs while caring for and loving others - send me a message.
I’ve got a 12 week intensive for moms who want kids that listen without yelling, threats, or punishment. And the program includes those things listed above!
First, we get you looking for what you and your child are doing RIGHT so you can stop believing you are doing everything WRONG. Then, I train you to look for what Needs you and your child are both meeting so you can make sure Needs are getting met within your boundaries. And finally, we make it all stick using the STRENGTHs tool to increase your child’s self-belief, the #1 thing that directs their behavior.
For more details simply click "LOVE The Way You Parent" at the top of this page!